I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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