so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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