I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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