Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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