This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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