she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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