someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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