I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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