if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
