My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
