I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
