hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
