i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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