i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
40s are totally the cure
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
