OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
