I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
