Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize