and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
What a dumb baby whore.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
