i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize