well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
