Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
