Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
