I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
