im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize