unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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