tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
