my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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