Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize