Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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