one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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