i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I still have a little drunk in my system
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize