you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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