I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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