Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
