thus making me awesome and them whores
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
