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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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