I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
