Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
