walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
