Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
