I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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