You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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