did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
