I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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