Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
