I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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