Tell her she can't have a vagina
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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