Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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