Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
