bring money and cleavage
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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