just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
