nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
