I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
