Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
