After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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