im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
