You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
