Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
