Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
