I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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