Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
