broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
In other news, I just burned my penis
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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