Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
