I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
