Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
